COMMERCE

Must sell: 20 lb. bag of corn.

Travel

Amsterdam? More like Amsterboring.

POLITICS

The difference between me and Nancy Grace is that I want answers and she wants justice.

ENTERTAINMENT

No need to see the upcoming movie Penelope because I already know that it proves that it's the inside that counts.

SCIENCE

You might think 10 million is a high number but it's not if your talking about sperm count.

RELIGION

If Thomas Monson turned into a zombie, I'm certain his moans would still have that storyteller cadence.

TECHNOLOGY

The internet is going to change everything.

RANDOM STUFF

I have this friend Pablo that looks exactly like a turnip.

TRAVEL

The Pamlona bull run is the only reason Spain exists.

MOVIES

There's a part in Norbit when this fat lady get's in a car crash and her boobs are so big that it's like an airbag that protects her.

MOVIES

Add Norbitt to your list of "must see" movies.

SHOPPING

I couldn't find any jeans on my most recent trip to the thrift store, but I did find some cool things, namely a bitchin' pair of shoes.

INTERNET

Does anybody know a girl named"Toy Fun" on myspace whose hobbies include lust? I got a message from her and I can't figure out if I know her or not.

MOVIES

I just watched House Boat with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bulloch and it was a pile of crap.

MOVIES

Anyone know what Verne Troyer is up to these days?

ART

(click to enlarge)

PHILOSOPHY

If there is one word I want to capture how I try to live my life, that word would be INTEGRITY.

POLITICS

Al Gore will not make President in the next election because people don't want a virgin in the White House.

TV

The show "24" proves that sometimes you have to take people out.

TV

I just started watching "24" for the first time and I must say that in this life I have never wanted to slam a person in the head like I want to slam Sherry Palmer.

CUISINE

I never though I'd say this but I'm getting sick of Hot Pockets.

MEDIA

I think Alan Colmes would make a good Abe Sapien if he stopped smiling all the time.

MOVIES

Nachos is the wrong treat to get when you watch Passion of Christ.

FASHION

Don't bother trying Axe Body Spray. It doesn't work.

LEISURE

I found out the hard way that your not allowed to bring corn to Hawaii.

FASHION

For the longest time I thought the Tommy Bahamas label in my shirt said Tommy Bananas.

LIFE

Hakuna matata! Guess whose moving to Hawaii?

MUSIC

My brother Terrence wants to name his band Montecore after the tiger that attacked Siegfried Fishbacher in Las Vegas.

TV

On Girls Gone Wild there's a scene where this girl (who has obviously gone wild) is skydiving without her top and her boobs are flapping all over the heavens.

INTERNET

I guess I won't even try out my new idea for a business since foodstuffs.com is already taken.

SAYINGS

If it is true that you become what you do, than I would be a level 41 warlock.

INTERNET

Even though I am still on hiatus, I wanted to share this letter I wrote to the Webmaster at feardotcom.com. I have not received a reply.


Dear Webmaster,

Against my better judgment, I logged on to your site, feardotcom.com. I have to admit, you are running a pretty frightful operation although contrary to your claim that it will be the last website I will ever visit, I have checked my email twice since I first logged on to feardotcom.com.

I am writing you to inform you that I am having difficulty accessing all of the contents of your website. The counter where it says how many hours I have left to live doesn't seem to be working. This is causing me anxiety. As unreliable as websites are wont to be in this digital age, I would think that such petty technical difficulties at a website of your stature would be non-existant. Which makes me wonder, is it a technical difficulty or is there some other reason that it won't tell me how many hours I have left to live?

As far as the rest of the site is concerned, everything else seems to be working pretty good. I particularly thought the Body Game was fun yet harrowing to play.

I would like to submit another query: do you guys use in-house programmers trained in the ways of the Occult or do you outsource web management? I would think in-house, given the fatal nature of your business. While some might take for granted your knowledge of the mysterious ways of the Occult, they should also be aware that you are fluent in the ways of HTML and Flash. Do you guys use Dreamweaver?

Finally, I liked that Udo Kier was in your movie. People don't realize how prolific an actor he is, even in non-vampiric roles. I saw him at Sundance last year. He was there attending the movie Dogville (which should have been called Dogshit) in lieu of the director who could not make it to the United States due to fear of flying. He wore a puffy white snow coat and had a beautiful supermodel in his arm. He is the ultimate German frightmarish character and it was smart to insert him in your movie. I can't help but think that he is also involved heavily in the Occult. Is he?

Sincerely,

J. Weed

P.S. Does your site still kill people if cookies are disabled in their web browsers?

FYI, I'm on an unofficial hiatus. I have some ideas in my mind about what direction to take this website that I need to chew on for a bit.

MOVIES

At my parents house this weekend I stayed up pretty late to watch this show called Forbidden Sins on The Movie Channel. Overall it was pretty disappointing except I liked the main character Maureen Dougherty played by Shannon Tweed because she was both sexy and smart and knew how to get what she wanted.

LEISURE

I think that out of all the moves that my friends and I have invented, The Jolly Rancher is still the best one.

PSYCHOLOGY

I keep having dreams about Gary Busey.

FANTASY

Oh, that I were a crow.

FASHION

The Ann Taylor LOFT website is a website full of lies.

PSYCHOLOGY

I regretted my experiment in "thinking out loud" the moment I asked my friend whether she would go to the poop festival if there was such a thing.

CUISINE

Except for the opening flash animation, the Carl Buddig website is a disappointment.

FITNESS

Today I went to the gym where I am able to transform hard work into fitness.

PSYCHOLOGY

We were playing with a ouija board the other night and I asked it some serious questions that only I know the answer to and it was wrong.

FASHION

Sorry, but the new Kate Spade spring collection is lousy.

MOVIES

Does anyone remember that movie where the main character is just a girl who is asking a guy to like her and he says no but then changes his mind later after his friend calls him a daft prick?

CUISINE

Grape is my favorite refreshment and I've had to get use to the fact that they never offer it in restaurants or at the movies.

ECONOMY

The salon where I have been a patron for the last 9 years, Excellent Barber, is going out of business thanks to big companies like Walmart and Home Depot.

PSYCHOLOGY

I keep having these sex dreams with Morgan Fairchild who I haven't had a crush on for over 5 years and it's really starting to bother my mind.

LEISURE

I got tagged by some girl that read my blog. This means I answer questions like, where have you been. There's way too many questions, so one at a time.

Four Places I've Vacationed
1. Circus Circus, Las Vegas
2. Circus Circus, Reno
3. Circus Circus, Atlantic City (I wish but they don't have one there)
4. New York New York (the hotel, not the town)

MOVIES

I just watched an old movie that Burt Reynolds plays in called Deliverance and if your thinking about watching it, no need.

COMEDY

Knock knock.

TELEVISION

I can't believe they cancelled Arrested Development because that show is the epitomy of hilarious.

MOVIES

I saw the new Pierce Bronson movie the other night (The Matador) and, so good.

MOVIES

I am almost finished writing my screenplay I Slept With William Hung but am really struggling with the third act.

CUISINE

For the second time in my life I broke a promise I made to myself to never eat at Fazoli's.

PSYCHOLOGY

Yesterday I had about the worse headache I've ever had in this life.

THE ARTS

If you've never seen M.C. Escher's work, then you don't know the meaning of trippy.

FASHION

Today I saw a guy wearing pleated pants and I was like, you don't.

PHILOSOPHY

Today is one of those days where about the only thing you can do is shrug your shoulders and say "Hakuna matata."

ENTERTAINMENT

Not to brag, but my letter to the editor got published in Cat Fancy.

PSYCHOLOGY

My friend Emily (who is depressed) told me she bowled a 38 the other night which is horrible and I told her at least it wasn't life that she got a 38 in.

POLITICS

How about this? Good thing we don't have a lady for the president other wise we'd go to war at least once a month! LOL.

MOVIES

I got the Boat Trip DVD for Christmas and let me just say, hilarious.

CONFLICT

My brother Terrence called me a ham but he's the one whose the ham.

ENTERTAINMENT

The thing I don't get is why the level designers of on Star Wars: Battlefront II think being lost is fun. Or why the chewbaccas cheat so bad. Or why it takes 90 light years to reload your shotgun. All needless things.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope "yule" have the best holiday season ever!

MOVIES

Although Ray Harryhausen would say Jason of the Argonauts is his best piece, I'd part ways with him there and say that Clash of the Titans was his best movie even though I'm no fan of Harry Hamblin or Burgess Meredith.

THAT TIME OF YEAR

The Christmas season is upon us. In a matter of days, it will be Chritmas Day. I hope all of my close peeps have been doing there shopping ;).

MY BLOG

Oh yeah, my class I was doing this blog for is over is why I haven't posted for a good spell. I haven't decided yet of I'm going to keep doing the blog, now that the class is over.

CUISINE

OMG! My uncle who looks like the man in the moon drinks his buttermilk straight up.

MOVIES

If there's one thing I love it's going to the movies and if there's one thing I hate, it's when I spilled my refreshment all over my lap when I was at the movies last Friday. Arghhh!

CONFLICT

My brother Terrence and I are not talking right now because he stole my book of free recipies which I would have loaned to him if he would have just asked. Instead, he took it without asking and I damn hate that.

TELEVISION

I've never seen the show Lost so last night when I was watching it with my friends, I was the one who was "lost." LOL!

CHRISTMAS

I wonder if yet again my mom is going to do her Christmas shopping at the island of unwanted toys.

COMEDY

I think jokes about Viagra are pretty funny because, you know, boners.

CONFESSION

When I was a kid I wanted to be Burt Reynolds and now that I'm older, I still want to be him. You can tell he has everything under control.

THANKSGIVING

I refused to eat turkey, not because of my politics, but because I don't want damn bird flu. This led to a lot of contention in the household; my folks just don't get it so I am forced to humor them.

MEMORIES

There use to be this kid in school named Joab who thought he was Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse who was silent, but tough. Truth be told, he was more like a complete idiot than anything.

TELEVISION

You can tell that that kid Talin on The O.C. was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

FASHION

I'm usually not one to splurge, but I have been known to shop at The Gap on occasion.

FASHION

Dressing attractive conveys the message, "I'm sexual, I'm appealing, and I'm someone you want to spend time with."

HALLOWEEN REDUX

I forgot to insert this on my blog earlier but this year for Halloween I was a vampirate.

PSYCHOLOGY

Sometimes life is nothing but a nonstop roast.

CUISINE

If I smell like red curry, its because I spilled some on my outfit this morning.

PSYCHOLOGY

Earlier this week I had depression but it banished as soon as I took some of St. John's Wart.

POLITICS

I want to make some thing clear re: my recent post about hate crimes. I CANNOT STAND THEM. I am tired of others questioning me on my stance on this topic.

POLITICS

Yet another thing to add to the list of things I hate: hate crime.

CUISINE

My friend Pablo has an idea for a seasonal beverage called Big Nog and I think that's about the worst idea ever. (He doesn't know a thing about this website so I can vent about him all I want).

ROLLER BLADES

My blades are back safely in their pouch where I keep them.

ENOUGH ALREADY

Contrary to what you may have heard, I do NOT have a camel toe.

FALSE ALARM

I forgot I told my friend she could use my baldes so never mind on them getting stolen. My bad.

FRUSTRATING EVENT

Yesterday my brand new pair of rollerblades were stolen. We're talking $200 blades that I've only used twice. Nothing drives me more batty than needless thieving.

TREATS

If I ever meet the man who invented the caramel apple, I'm gonna say, "Here's to you, gov'nah! Keep them caramel apples a'comin."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

CUISINE

I never realized this before, but Alfredo is both the name of a person and the name of a sauce.

WHATEVER

I guess never mind on the corn maze.

BLOG CONCERN

Serious, all these comments by Anonymous is some bullshit. Who is it?

Also, I'm either going to a corn maze or watching Boat Trip on Wednesday if anyone's game, let me know.

ARGHHH!

I currently have the biggest headache I've ever had in this life.

BREAKING NEWS

I just found out that my favorite actor Peter Mayhew just become a US citizen.

GAYS

What, they're good enough to plan your wedding but not good enough to have there own?

EDUCATION

I'm supposed to be doing other homework right now but I say "screw that!" Sometimes you have to just let your hair down. This does not mean that I think it's okay to say "yes" to drugs.

MOVIES

Shrek is such a funny ogre. Real ogres typically don't have that good of a sense of humor. I think Shrek HAS to be funny to make up for how ugly he is.