TRAVEL

Amsterdam? More like Amsterboring.

POLITICS

The difference between me and Nancy Grace is that I want answers and she wants justice.

ENTERTAINMENT

No need to see the upcoming movie Penelope because I already know that it proves that it's the inside that counts.

SCIENCE

You might think 10 million is a high number but it's not if your talking about sperm count.

RELIGION

If Thomas Monson turned into a zombie, I'm certain his moans would still have that storyteller cadence.

TECHNOLOGY

The internet is going to change everything.

RANDOM STUFF

I have this friend Pablo that looks exactly like a turnip.

MOVIES

There's a part in Norbit when this fat lady get's in a car crash and her boobs are so big that it's like an airbag that protects her.

MOVIES

Add Norbitt to your list of "must see" movies.

MOVIES

I just watched House Boat with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bulloch and it was a pile of crap.

MOVIES

Anyone know what Verne Troyer is up to these days?

ART

(click to enlarge)

PHILOSOPHY

If there is one word I want to capture how I try to live my life, that word would be INTEGRITY.

POLITICS

Al Gore will not make President in the next election because people don't want a virgin in the White House.

TV

The show "24" proves that sometimes you have to take people out.

CUISINE

I never though I'd say this but I'm getting sick of Hot Pockets.

MOVIES

Nachos is the wrong treat to get when you watch Passion of Christ.

FASHION

Don't bother trying Axe Body Spray. It doesn't work.

LEISURE

I found out the hard way that your not allowed to bring corn to Hawaii.

FASHION

For the longest time I thought the Tommy Bahamas label in my shirt said Tommy Bananas.

MUSIC

My brother Terrence wants to name his band Montecore after the tiger that attacked Siegfried Fishbacher in Las Vegas.

TV

On Girls Gone Wild there's a scene where this girl (who has obviously gone wild) is skydiving without her top and her boobs are flapping all over the heavens.

SAYINGS

If it is true that you become what you do, than I would be a level 41 warlock.

INTERNET

Even though I am still on hiatus, I wanted to share this letter I wrote to the Webmaster at feardotcom.com. I have not received a reply.


Dear Webmaster,

Against my better judgment, I logged on to your site, feardotcom.com. I have to admit, you are running a pretty frightful operation although contrary to your claim that it will be the last website I will ever visit, I have checked my email twice since I first logged on to feardotcom.com.

I am writing you to inform you that I am having difficulty accessing all of the contents of your website. The counter where it says how many hours I have left to live doesn't seem to be working. This is causing me anxiety. As unreliable as websites are wont to be in this digital age, I would think that such petty technical difficulties at a website of your stature would be non-existant. Which makes me wonder, is it a technical difficulty or is there some other reason that it won't tell me how many hours I have left to live?

As far as the rest of the site is concerned, everything else seems to be working pretty good. I particularly thought the Body Game was fun yet harrowing to play.

I would like to submit another query: do you guys use in-house programmers trained in the ways of the Occult or do you outsource web management? I would think in-house, given the fatal nature of your business. While some might take for granted your knowledge of the mysterious ways of the Occult, they should also be aware that you are fluent in the ways of HTML and Flash. Do you guys use Dreamweaver?

Finally, I liked that Udo Kier was in your movie. People don't realize how prolific an actor he is, even in non-vampiric roles. I saw him at Sundance last year. He was there attending the movie Dogville (which should have been called Dogshit) in lieu of the director who could not make it to the United States due to fear of flying. He wore a puffy white snow coat and had a beautiful supermodel in his arm. He is the ultimate German frightmarish character and it was smart to insert him in your movie. I can't help but think that he is also involved heavily in the Occult. Is he?

Sincerely,

J. Weed

P.S. Does your site still kill people if cookies are disabled in their web browsers?

LEISURE

I think that out of all the moves that my friends and I have invented, The Jolly Rancher is still the best one.

PSYCHOLOGY

I keep having dreams about Gary Busey.

FANTASY

Oh, that I were a crow.

FASHION

The Ann Taylor LOFT website is a website full of lies.

PSYCHOLOGY

I regretted my experiment in "thinking out loud" the moment I asked my friend whether she would go to the poop festival if there was such a thing.

CUISINE

Except for the opening flash animation, the Carl Buddig website is a disappointment.

FITNESS

Today I went to the gym where I am able to transform hard work into fitness.

PSYCHOLOGY

We were playing with a ouija board the other night and I asked it some serious questions that only I know the answer to and it was wrong.

FASHION

Sorry, but the new Kate Spade spring collection is lousy.

MOVIES

Does anyone remember that movie where the main character is just a girl who is asking a guy to like her and he says no but then changes his mind later after his friend calls him a daft prick?

CUISINE

Grape is my favorite refreshment and I've had to get use to the fact that they never offer it in restaurants or at the movies.

ECONOMY

The salon where I have been a patron for the last 9 years, Excellent Barber, is going out of business thanks to big companies like Walmart and Home Depot.

PSYCHOLOGY

I keep having these sex dreams with Morgan Fairchild who I haven't had a crush on for over 5 years and it's really starting to bother my mind.

MOVIES

I just watched an old movie that Burt Reynolds plays in called Deliverance and if your thinking about watching it, no need.

COMEDY

Knock knock.

TELEVISION

I can't believe they cancelled Arrested Development because that show is the epitomy of hilarious.

MOVIES

I am almost finished writing my screenplay I Slept With William Hung but am really struggling with the third act.

CUISINE

For the second time in my life I broke a promise I made to myself to never eat at Fazoli's.

PSYCHOLOGY

Yesterday I had about the worse headache I've ever had in this life.

THE ARTS

If you've never seen M.C. Escher's work, then you don't know the meaning of trippy.

FASHION

Today I saw a guy wearing pleated pants and I was like, you don't.

PHILOSOPHY

Today is one of those days where about the only thing you can do is shrug your shoulders and say "Hakuna matata."

ENTERTAINMENT

Not to brag, but my letter to the editor got published in Cat Fancy.

PSYCHOLOGY

My friend Emily (who is depressed) told me she bowled a 38 the other night which is horrible and I told her at least it wasn't life that she got a 38 in.

POLITICS

How about this? Good thing we don't have a lady for the president other wise we'd go to war at least once a month! LOL.

MOVIES

I got the Boat Trip DVD for Christmas and let me just say, hilarious.

CONFLICT

My brother Terrence called me a ham but he's the one whose the ham.

ENTERTAINMENT

The thing I don't get is why the level designers of on Star Wars: Battlefront II think being lost is fun. Or why the chewbaccas cheat so bad. Or why it takes 90 light years to reload your shotgun. All needless things.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope "yule" have the best holiday season ever!

MOVIES

Although Ray Harryhausen would say Jason of the Argonauts is his best piece, I'd part ways with him there and say that Clash of the Titans was his best movie even though I'm no fan of Harry Hamblin or Burgess Meredith.

THAT TIME OF YEAR

The Christmas season is upon us. In a matter of days, it will be Chritmas Day. I hope all of my close peeps have been doing there shopping ;).

MY BLOG

Oh yeah, my class I was doing this blog for is over is why I haven't posted for a good spell. I haven't decided yet of I'm going to keep doing the blog, now that the class is over.

CUISINE

OMG! My uncle who looks like the man in the moon drinks his buttermilk straight up.

MOVIES

If there's one thing I love it's going to the movies and if there's one thing I hate, it's when I spilled my refreshment all over my lap when I was at the movies last Friday. Arghhh!

CONFLICT

My brother Terrence and I are not talking right now because he stole my book of free recipies which I would have loaned to him if he would have just asked. Instead, he took it without asking and I damn hate that.

TELEVISION

I've never seen the show Lost so last night when I was watching it with my friends, I was the one who was "lost." LOL!

CHRISTMAS

I wonder if yet again my mom is going to do her Christmas shopping at the island of unwanted toys.

COMEDY

I think jokes about Viagra are pretty funny because, you know, boners.

CONFESSION

When I was a kid I wanted to be Burt Reynolds and now that I'm older, I still want to be him. You can tell he has everything under control.

THANKSGIVING

I refused to eat turkey, not because of my politics, but because I don't want damn bird flu. This led to a lot of contention in the household; my folks just don't get it so I am forced to humor them.

MEMORIES

There use to be this kid in school named Joab who thought he was Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse who was silent, but tough. Truth be told, he was more like a complete idiot than anything.

TELEVISION

You can tell that that kid Talin on The O.C. was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

FASHION

I'm usually not one to splurge, but I have been known to shop at The Gap on occasion.

HALLOWEEN REDUX

I forgot to insert this on my blog earlier but this year for Halloween I was a vampirate.

PSYCHOLOGY

Sometimes life is nothing but a nonstop roast.

CUISINE

If I smell like red curry, its because I spilled some on my outfit this morning.

PSYCHOLOGY

Earlier this week I had depression but it banished as soon as I took some of St. John's Wart.

POLITICS

I want to make some thing clear re: my recent post about hate crimes. I CANNOT STAND THEM. I am tired of others questioning me on my stance on this topic.

POLITICS

Yet another thing to add to the list of things I hate: hate crime.

CUISINE

My friend Pablo has an idea for a seasonal beverage called Big Nog and I think that's about the worst idea ever. (He doesn't know a thing about this website so I can vent about him all I want).

ROLLER BLADES

My blades are back safely in their pouch where I keep them.

FALSE ALARM

I forgot I told my friend she could use my baldes so never mind on them getting stolen. My bad.

FRUSTRATING EVENT

Yesterday my brand new pair of rollerblades were stolen. We're talking $200 blades that I've only used twice. Nothing drives me more batty than needless thieving.

TREATS

If I ever meet the man who invented the caramel apple, I'm gonna say, "Here's to you, gov'nah! Keep them caramel apples a'comin."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

CUISINE

I never realized this before, but Alfredo is both the name of a person and the name of a sauce.

ARGHHH!

I currently have the biggest headache I've ever had in this life.

BREAKING NEWS

I just found out that my favorite actor Peter Mayhew just become a US citizen.

GAYS

What, they're good enough to plan your wedding but not good enough to have there own?

EDUCATION

I'm supposed to be doing other homework right now but I say "screw that!" Sometimes you have to just let your hair down. This does not mean that I think it's okay to say "yes" to drugs.

MOVIES

Shrek is such a funny ogre. Real ogres typically don't have that good of a sense of humor. I think Shrek HAS to be funny to make up for how ugly he is.

MOVIES

My brother Terrence told me that he's not going to do ANY substance abuse until the the night the new Harry Potter comes out.

MOVIES

I just looked up the black guy in Radio on the internet and his name is Cuba Gooding Jr. and he also plays in Boat Trip which is about a ship full of gays.

WHAT ANIMAL ARE YOU?

My brother Terrence said that if I was an animal I'd be a hedgehog and I hate to say it, but he's right.

TV

My childhood crush on Tina Yothers ended when she played the titular role in Spunk: The Tonya Harding Story.

MOVIES

I never cry in movies but the black guy's performance in Radio was so money that I lost it. I can hardly fathom that he is not handicap in real life.

RELIGION

And God spoke, "Are we having fun yet?" LOL.

MOVIES

Does anyone know if Christopher Columbus (the director, not the Captain of the Sea) has directed anything since Patch Adams and Bicentenniel Man?

LEISURE

If anyone knows how to play "Human Bingo," please let me know quick.

CUISINE

Two Words: Olive Garden.

MUSIC

I just spent the past 4 hours discovering Josh Groban and let's just say that I now what all of the hullaballoo is about. AMAZING!

LEISURE

Nothing drives me more crazy in the world of gaming than when I am compelled to utter the following four words: "You sank my battleship."

POLITICS

Freedom is more than just a word.

CUISINE

My brother Terrence has an idea for a product called "I Can't Believe I Ate All The Butter" but I don't think it will fly.

MOVIES

In Jerry McGuire, I die laughing every time the black guy says, "Show me the money." More like, show me the money.

HAPPENINGS

The other day I saw these two dogs humping in public like a bunch of perverts.

TV

Those who watches "Desperate Housewives" are desperate housewives themselves.

CUISINE

We ate at Sizzler's the other night and I had probably the best steak I've ever had in this life.

MOTIVATIONAL

Today is one of those days where you wake up, and the world's and your beckon call.

FASHION

OMG! I can't believe some people still have mullets.

TECHNOLOGY

My dad won't let me ride his Segway, but I say "screw him." I'm riding it anyway.

THOUGHTS

I'm glad I didn't follow through with my decision to change my name to Fernando.

MOVIES

There is a god! I just found out that they are making Mrs. Doubtfire 2 and Robin Williams will be up to his old tricks again as the main guy/girl.

POLITICS

Yet another thing to add to the list of things I have a hatred for: AIDS. It is a worldwide epidemic that affects more than just gays.

CUISINE

My brother Terrence said Miracle Whip is what poor people like and I have to agree with him.

THOUGHTS

A friend of mine once pointed out that the problem with mimes is that they are always undressing you with their eyes.

CUISINE

Probably the best part of my morning routine is what happens after I say, "I'll have a McGriddles and a parfait, por favor."

RELIGION

To use the old baseball analogy, sometimes God likes to throw the old curveball at you.

POLITICS

I can't believe George Bush keeps going to his ranch in Crawford.

THOUGHTS

Where my brother Terrence works they put a bowl of dog food labeled "Terrence" by his cubicle. My brother is not a damn dog.

MOVIES

I tell you what, the guy who plays Ron in Harry Potter is a real slag.

CUISINE

My brother's thinking of starting a restaurant called Affordable Burger and I support him.

PSYCHOLOGY

When it comes to eating disorders, the media's to blame.

LITERATURE

All I know is that if you've never read Chicken Soup for the Soul, then your not really that serious about changing your life for the better.

GAYS

I say, "it's none of my business what others do behind closed doors."

THOUGHTS

This is pissing me off that I can't figure out how to change the "About Me" section because I was just experimenting when it put that so just ignore it.

POLITICS

You might as well add terrorism to the list of things I can't stand.

MUSIC

Guilty Pleasure: I LOVE the new Kelly Clarkson song.

CUISINE

The other day I saw a picture of an apple, bacon, and p.b. sandwich. What is the world coming to?

MOVIES

I just saw The Island and I think Scarlett Johnson who plays as the main girl is way fine!!!

THOUGHTS

People are totally going to read my blog.

POLITICS

You know what I've had enough of? George Bush. I'm tired of his crap and can't wait till his out of office.

INTRODUCTION

I have to do this blog for a class. It's not even my idea.